Beastly Bodybuilding
by I Lost My Buh-Lance
Summary: Mordecai and Rigby want to get muscular, so they borrow a free membership from Skips to go to their local gym. Will they get all pumped up?


_Author's Notes: My next oneshot. I certainly hope you guys enjoy this one. I disclaim Regular show and it's characters, as well as Nintendo and the Nintendo Wii, Pokemon, Blue's Clues, etc. So, yeah, on with the story…_

**Beastly Bodybuilding**

"_Six….seeeehhh-ven….eight….oof….n-n-niiiiiine….t-t-teeeen-uh!"_

Mordecai coughed and gasped with his tongue hanging out, and he collapsed onto the floor, breathless from his push-ups. His eyes were wide and bloodshot, and sweat trickled down his forehead.

"Man…" panted Mordecai, his head still on the floor, as he caught his breath, "who invented push-ups anyway?"

He grimaced as he tried to raise his arms to finish the rest of his sets. He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes tightly, as he strained to push his body upward with his feathery palms.

His body was just a few inches from the proper position again, and the aching had restarted on his arms. The blue jay took a deep breath, and he got into the proper position once more.

"Ok," he told himself out-loud staring at the wooden floor, mentally preparing himself for the pain ahead, "I can do this. It's just little exercise, that's all. I'm strong. Yeah, that's it, I'm _strong!_ I'm not built weak or scrawny like a _blue-jay_ or anything like that."

Mordecai closed his eyes for a moment, and he swallowed a bit, embracing himself just one final time. "Ok, ok, now for _real!" _He steadied himself, and he began muttering, "Ready…set…G-"

"_Hey Mordecai!"_

The door to Mordecai and Rigby's room swung open, and it slammed right into Mordecai's nose.

"_Ow!" _cried out Mordecai, as he wobbly got to his feet, clutching his nose with his eyes shut tightly. He began walking backwards, not seeing where he was stumbling into, until he hit the wall, which vibrated the shelf right above his head.

The vibration from his body caused a magical 8-ball to go rolling onto the edge, and it fell off.

The die floating within the liquid of the ball shifted itself while falling, and it was revealed that it's magical fortune stated, "Without a doubt, I'm screwed."

Mordecai massaged the sore spot on his head, trying to lessen the pain from whacking his head. He stared up at the ceiling, and he could see the 8-ball coming down fast. He gasped and he side-stepped it, letting the ball shatter into a million little black shards of glass.

Mordecai stared down at the broken toy, with his mouth slightly agape. It would've cut up the top of his head severely had he not evaded it in time.

He put his index finger to his forehead, and he flicked off some imaginary sweat, relieved that he had just missed certain disaster.

"Whew," he sighed, glad that it was over, "That was a close ca—"

Right before he could finish his sentence, the shelf on top that held the magic 8-ball came crashing down on his head, splitting in two pieces on impact.

The blue-jay grimaced as he rubbed the sore spot on his head. He groaned and threw a dirty glare at the broken object as if it had a conscious. He then shook his head for a moment, and stared at Rigby, and asked, "What, dude? Can't you see I'm trying to do push-ups?"

Rigby scratched his head and asked, "How are you gonna do push-ups when you're breaking everything with your head?"

Mordecai groaned in frustration and shook his head, irritated by Rigby's lack of common sense. Mordecai got back on the floor, and he prepared himself for the excruciating pain once again.

As he was positioning himself, the blue-jay asked, "Hey Rigby, do me a favor. Could you, like, count the sets I do?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Ok then," said Mordecai, and he took deep breath, "Here goes nothing…"

He lowered himself to the ground slowly, the burning pain dancing upon his spaghetti-like biceps.

"_One!"_

Mordecai repeated the same thing, only this time the pain doubled.

"_Two!"_

The blue-jay groaned as he lowered himself to the floor, feeling the horrible muscle sores beginning to shoot up his arm.

"_Zero!"_

Mordecai, assuming Rigby was simply fooling around but still keeping count, continued his routine. He lowered himself once more, his teeth gritted and his eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head.

"Uhhh…_Two!"_

Mordecai panted and began lifting himself up again, feeling more sore than ever at this point.

"Uh_…one!"_

"Rigby!" hollered Mordecai from the floor, nearly wiped out. Rigby arched his eyebrow and replied, "What, dude?"

Mordecai glared and uttered, "Stop with all the military crap! Just count normally!" 

Rigby grew defensive and replied, "Hey-hey-hey, whoa. _I'm _doing the hard work. I'm sittin' here, counting up all these big numbers while all _you're _just doing a few push-ups."

The blue-jay flashed an angry glare at the lazy Rigby, and was just about to reply with a _real crusher…_until Skips popped into the room.

The yeti shoved the door open. And asked, "Just what the 'H' are you guys doing here?"

Rigby rolled his eyes and answered, "Mordecai's being a sore loser because he can't count."

The bird-groundskeeper hurled another dirty stare at the raccoon , and turned back to Skips.

"I'm trying to work out, Skips." He eyed Skips up and down, and noticed his arms and legs bulging with muscles, and asked, "You know, Skips, _you're _pretty strong. Think you can give me a few pointers on how to get jacked?"

The snowy-white ogre scratched his chin and his eyes shifted up to the roof, thinking about the question for a moment.

Skips then shut his eyes and shook his head slowly. Mordecai's jaw dropped to the floor and his bulged out of their sockets.

"What? Why?" The blue-jay was so shocked at Skips' answer that he just _had _to know why he declined his offer.

"Sorry Mordecai," replied the yeti, "but today's my relaxing day." Mordecai got to his feet (he nearly lost his balance), lowered his head, and slapped his forehead in aggravation.

"Aw man," said Mordecai, shaking his head as well, "now I'll never get pumped…"

Skips shook his head and replied, "Relax, Mordecai. I'll still help you out." Skips reached into the pockets of his khaki-colored jeans, and whipped out a small card that said, "Back-breaker Bob's body-building business: 24-hour gymnasium".

The text was in bold, purple letters and it had an image of a plump, muscular character with a white muscle T-shirt on and a pair of green camo-pants and a military haircut. He appeared to be flexing his muscles with his teeth bared and purple veins all over his stretchy neck.

Mordecai took the card from him and arched his eyebrow curiously. Skips then reached into his other pocket, pulled out another card, and handed it to Rigby.

"Here," he said, sticking his arm to Rigby, "I always carry three of them just in case I lost the other two."

"Wow," proclaimed Mordecai, staring at the card in his palm, "Can this place make me _huge_?"

Skips rolled his eyes, crossed his arms and uttered, "_Yeah…sure, whatever_."

Mordecai grinned as he stared at the card, and shoved it into his "feather-pocket".

Rigby leapt on top of his trampoline-bed and began making various poses with his noodle-like arms, and said, trying to imitate an Austrian-accent, "_Get to 'ze choppa'…now!"_

Mordecai grinned, understanding the joke, and he leapt on top of his own bed, and began saying, while flexing his arms, "_It's not a toomah'! At all!"_

Skips sighed heavily, embarrassed at the fact that he was watching two fully-grown adults acting like silly teenagers in high school, and halted their stupid actions.

"Hold on a sec," stated Skips, holding up a large palm as a stop-sign. The two stopped right where they were, and Skips continued.

"You two better be careful over there. If you don't do a machine or an exercise right…trust me, you'll be feeling stupid in the morning…"

Mordecai and Rigby glanced at each other, and Mordecai smiled and closed his eyes. "Don't worry Skips," he said, placing his hands on his hips, "we'll be like pros."

"Yeah, Skips," added Rigby, laying down on his trampoline bed and smiling, "we won't break anything. We'll just sit back, relax, ride the roller coasters, eat some cotton candy, whack a few moles, and that's it. We'll be fine…"

Skips just stared at them for a second, and he groaned as he walked away, realizing that he might have just made a mistake.

"**Hold on Mordecai…just sit tight and wait for it …"**

Rigby and Mordecai were sitting in Benson's car inside the gym's parking lot, waiting for a man, who was finished exercising, to get out of his parking space.

Rigby was driving, and Mordecai was in the passenger's seat, with his palm resting on his cheek and an extremely bored expression on his face.

As the man's tail-lights turned bright red and his car began backing up, Rigby's grip on the steering wheel tightened and he squinted his eyes, mentally preparing himself for the difficult challenge ahead. If he messed up, his entire plan would be thrown out the window.

"_Hold on…hold on…_" 

Finally, the man backed his car up all the way, and he turned towards the exit of the parking lot. Rigby cried out, "Now!"

He slammed his foot on the gas, and entered into the previous occupant's parking space. Rigby, feeling victorious, lowered the window and stuck his head out of the window. He screamed, "_**Sucker! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!" **_as the man headed out of the parking lot and into the main road, leaving the gym.

Mordecai, still in that same position and the same bored expression upon his face, said, "Rigby, that guy doesn't _care_ that you took his spot, he was leaving anyway." 

Rigby turned to Mordecai and said, in a sarcastic tone, "Yeah, _sure _he was_. _Don't be a hater, Mordecai."

Mordecai groaned and shook his head a bit. He grabbed his dark-blue gym bag and Rigby grabbed his much smaller gym bag, covered with Pikachu and Blues Clues stickers.

Mordecai had a sweatband on his forehead, with black sweat pants, work-out sneakers, and a white muscle-shirt. Rigby was wearing a sweater with a hood on it, with sweat pants and sneakers very similar to Mordecai's.

They both entered through the doors, and heavy metal music blared from the speakers on the roof of the gym.

Extremely large and muscular men lifted incredibly heavy weights at the dumbbell area. They benched about seven plates on each side, and they roared like lions when they got to the peaks. Some of them looked almost like frogs, because some of them were fat as well as muscular. Some of them had very tiny heads, but their bodies were _huge _with muscles.

Some of them were bald, others had dreadlocks. Some even had Mohawks.

Mordecai and Rigby all stared in amazement, as men of monstrous sizes and shapes lifted eight times their body-weight.

Mordecai looked away at stared at the counter, where a group of pretty young girls (blondes, brunettes, etc.) were running the front desk and giggling with each other. The blue-jay tapped Rigby on the shoulder and said, "Hey, dude, c'mon! Let's get exercising!"

Rigby turned away and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot!" They both dashed over to the counter and Mordecai pulled out his card, and handed it to a very attractive blonde girl. She took it, and read it for a second. She smiled at him and she said, "_Ok, like, you're good_."

"Uh, yeah, thanks!" replied Mordecai, blushing and he dashed over to the dumbbell area. Rigby then leapt on top of the counter, and whipped a card out as well.

He handed it over to the brunette, and she stared at it with a confused look on her face. "Hey, like, this is a _library card!"_

Rigby's eyes widened and he whipped out the other card. He smacked his forehead in annoyance and embarrassment, and he said, "Oops. Sorry. Here's the card you were looking for."

He handed the proper card to the girl. She stared at it for a moment, gave him a pearly-white smile and said, "_Ok, like, you're good too!_"

Rigby took the card, winked at her, and made a clicking sound with his tongue. He leapt off the counter, smiling as he heard the girls giggling at what he did.

_**Rigby joined Mordecai at the dumbbell area. They both stood in the middle of the room, their eyes swinging from left to right as they observed overly-muscular men lifting colossal weight.**_

They would hear the large guys screaming in pain as they lifted their weight, and the sound of laughing when they were finished.

Mordecai observed one huge guy lifting himself up on a bar, with his monster-sized buddies screaming "_Five-hundred and one, five-hundred and two, five-hundred and three…!_" 

Rigby observed another man who was performing curls with a pair of dumbbells that Rigby didn't even _dream_ of lifting. Every time the man curled his arm as far as he could, he would scream and veins would pop out of his neck and his eyes would bulge out of their sockets.

Mordecai and Rigby stared at each other for a moment, and Mordecai said, "Uh…well…let's get started then…I guess…"

"_Hmph-hmph…_" replied Rigby, staring at his stringy arms as he wiggled them in comparison with the other giants. Mordecai approached an empty bench that had a bar on top of the weight holders. The bar only weighed about forty-five pounds, so surely that couldn't be _extremely _heavy.

Mordecai stared at it for a second, feeling a tad queasy. He gulped and said quietly for himself, "This…is nothing…"

He got on the bench, and he lied down on his back. He stared at the metallic bar above him, and he gulped as he reached for it. Rigby got behind the bench and prepared to spot him.

"Ok, Rigby," began Mordecai, feeling a lot more nervous all of a sudden, "Uh…when I ask you help, lift the bar up a little, ok?"

Rigby, not staring down at Mordecai, replied, "Yeah, yeah, sure…"

Mordecai raised his arms and grabbed the bar, ready to start benching. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He began lifting up the bar, and that's when he realized…_it wasn't so bad._

He lifted it up off the standards and he felt it being alright. It didn't hurt at all. He lowered it down to his chest, and he pushed it back up with ease. He did it again. And again. And _again! _

He couldn't believe it. He was benching a bar. He wasn't struggling with pain or strain or anything like that. He could actually build muscle! Everything was going great until…

"_**Mordecai? Mordecai!"**_

"Huh? What?" 

Mordecai opened his eyes, and realized he had just closed his eyes and began imagining everything. He was still holding the bar above his head. Rigby woke him up, and was waiting for him to get going.

The blue-jay groaned in annoyance, but prepared himself once again. He took a deep breath, and lowered the bar to his chest _for real _this time.

Rigby had his paws on the bar, ready to lift it up when Mordecai couldn't anymore. But, as he was staring out at the other exercisers, he noticed a bulky man sipping on something that appeared to be a "_slurpee_".

Rigby gasped and instantly let go of the bar, letting it slam onto Mordecai's chest.

"_A slurpee?_" hollered Rigby, as he stared wide-eyed at the big man, "_**I**__ want a slurpee!"_

Mordecai's face began turning a dark red and a gasp escaped his lips as he shrieked, in a breathless, high-pitched voice, "_Rigby! Rigby! Pick it up! Pick it up!"_

But Rigby completely ignored Mordecai as he scampered off into the main lobby again. Mordecai, however, just stood with the bar on his chest, with his eyes bloodshot and watery, and he began looking left to right, saying, in that high-pitched tone, "_Rigby? Uh…Rigby? I could use a little help here…_"_  
_

In the lobby, Rigby stared at where all the bodybuilders were getting their drinks. It was at a large soda-fountain like place, with flavors of various kinds.

The sweet-toothed raccoon dashed up to it and began reading the flavors aloud.

"Hmmm…'_Apricot Avalanche', 'Gushing Grape', 'Bodybuilder Blueberry', 'Storming Strawberry'_…"

Rigby ran up to one of the pretty girls at the counter, and he asked, "Uh, how much for a large slurpee?"

The girl turned to him and said, "It's free!" She then burst into giggles at how "innocently-dumb" he was.

Rigby's eyes shifted over to the fountain once more, and he smiled and said, "'_Free_'? Awesome! How much is _that?"  
_

The girl arched her eyebrow and said, "Uh…'free' means you don't have to pay for anything. You don't _have_ to pay for any protein shakes." Rigby stared at the soda fountains once again, and he cried out, "_Holy crap_!"

He leapt on top of the soda fountain and put his mouth around the nozzle, and began chugging down some "Gushing Grape."

Immediately, he stopped and stood up perfectly straight with his cheeks filled with the drink. His eyes were watery from how bad it tasted, and he spit it back out. It came out like spray from a graffiti can.

It was so putrid, he couldn't believe how some actually _enjoyed _drinking these things. He rubbed his stomach and began sticking his tongue out, trying to "air it out" from the horrible taste.

With his tongue still sticking out, he stared at where his spit had landed. It was on top of someone's shoe. Rigby arched his eyebrow and he looked up, and saw a very angry and muscular man staring down at him. A vein was throbbing on top of his bald head, and his eyes were yellow and bloodshot. He had his fists clenched, and his muscles were so massive that they appeared to be mountains underneath his skin.

Rigby's eyes kept scrolling upward until they met the giant's. His pupil's shrunk and he frowned. He raised his paw and he forced a toothy grin on his face, waving politely to the giant. Before Rigby could apologize (and beg for his life), the giant reached down and snatched Rigby up with his enormous thumb and index finger.

Rigby's eyes were bulging and his tongue was sticking out. The giant raised Rigby up to his ugly and pudgy face, and growled, gusting air into his face with his huge, hairy nostrils.

Rigby stared at him and gulped. The raccoon smiled and said, "_So… is it too late for me to pay for your slurpee?_"

The giant then turned towards the dumbbell-area, and flicked Rigby in that direction, like an old gum wrapper that's been rolled up into a ball.

Rigby went sailing across the entire gym, screaming like a maniac as men continued to mind their own business and continue lifting. He was just a brown blur zipping across the room at this point.

Finally, he smacked right into a window which happened to be right next to Mordecai's bench. Mordecai did not notice him, however.

The blue-jay was saying, in a croaky, high-pitched voice, "_Dear God, if you give me the strength to lift this bar off my chest, I promise I won't hide comic books inside of my Bible when I'm at church…_" By now, Mordecai was desperate to get it off of himself.

Rigby peeled off of the window pane like an old sticker, and floated into the floor like a feather does. He landed on the floor, with his pupils moving in small, circular motions. 

Right at that moment, another extremely-muscular man was walking around, searching for something. He completely ignored the breathless Mordecai and while looking on the floor, the man muttered, "Now, where's that sweat rag?..."

His eyes landed on the beaten-up Rigby lying on the floor, lifeless and motionless. The bodybuilder's face lit up and he said, "Duh, _there _it is!"

Rigby had heard him and instantly woke up, and he began to say, "What? N-No! I'm not a sweat rag, I'm…" but before he could speak, the muscle-man's fingers wrapped around his tiny body and lifted him up off of the floor, and he began dabbing his forehead with his body.

Rigby's fur soaked up all of the sticky and greasy sweat on the man's forehead.

However, while the man was still removing the sweat from his forehead, he heard another jar-head's voice call out, "_Hey Earl, gimme that sweat-rag, would ya?_"

The giant muscle-man carelessly tossed Rigby to the other behemoth.

The other man caught Rigby and squeezed him tightly. Rigby cried out in pain, but the man didn't even hear him. He lifted his arm, and began rubbing Rigby against the hair underneath his arm. Rigby's muffled screams were inaudible to the man who was simply moving the raccoon in small circular motions in his arm pit.

Unfortunately for Rigby, yet another man hollered, " Hey Percy, toss that over here!" The man lowered his arm, and he hurled Rigby over to the next bruiser. This guy stretched Rigby out all the way, and he began rubbing Rigby in between his legs.

Rigby nearly vomited at this point. As Rigby was rubbing in-between his thighs, he screamed, "_Noooooooo! Please! Have Mercyyyyyy!"_

While still cleaning his thighs, the man uttered, "_Nrrgh! Stupid piece of crap doesn't even do a good job cleaning the sweat!_"

He stopped cleaning, and he held Rigby carelessly in his fist. He flung Rigby over to the used-towel barrel. The only problem was that Rigby did not land _inside _the barrel. Instead, he landed right next to it.

And at that moment, a little old janitor, gray-haired, short, and a mustache, approached him carrying an old, metallic bucket. The old man was muttering something about how back in the day, you could "buy a dollar with a few nickels". He picked up Rigby and began swooshing him in dirty old water from his bucket. He then pressed him against the window and began cleaning them with his fur until it was squeaky-clean.

Until finally, the old man was done cleaning the windows, the gutters, the toilets, and everything else in the gym. And he did it all with the same "rag". By now, the sun had gone down, and the old man tossed Rigby back into the used-towel barrel. The raccoon just stayed there, lifeless and with his head hanging loosely on his shoulders.

Mordecai was still underneath the bar on the bench, just smiling wildly as he began thinking happy thoughts. As he stared off into space with bloodshot eyes and a silly grin upon his lips, he uttered, in a deep, goofy-esque voice_, "Huh-huh…Charlie the tuna man…huh-huh-huh…"_

**The Next Day, Skips entered the gym…**

He skipped over towards the weight-racks, and he saw Mordecai just lying there with the 45-pound bar on top of his chest. Skips raised his eyebrows and sprinted over to him. When he looked down at Mordecai, he could see him with his eyes wide-open, and a big silly grin on his face.

Skips leaned over and picked up the bar with one hand, and placed it on the racks with ease. Mordecai stayed on the bench, smiling and staring off into space.

"Mordecai," interrogated Skips, "Are you ok? Were you here all night or something?"

"Yes grandma," replied the delusional blue-jay slowly sitting up, "I shaved the weasel."

Skips helped Mordecai get to his feet, and Mordecai just stood there, grinning like an idiot and singing, "_The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout…_"

Skips just stared at him for a moment, but then he said, "Wait, where's Rigby?" 

"Who's Richie?"

Skips began scanning the area, until he saw a brown clump of fur on the floor. Skips arched his eyebrow and approached it, and before he could get near it, a horrible smell hit him. Skips wretched and pinched his nose as he stared at it.

Slowly, he reached for it and picked it up, and he heard Rigby groan like a zombie. The yeti arched his eyebrow, and he said, "_Rigby? Rigby, is that you?_"

Rigby picked up his head in a drunken manor, and he replied, "_Is the horrible torture over yet…_?"

**Later that afternoon…**

"Man," began Mordecai, with his arms crossed and watching television, "that gym really sucked."

"I know," added Rigby, "whoever invented exercise is an idiot. I mean, it doesn't do anything good for you, anyway. It doesn't increase your life span or make you stronger or anything."

"I know a better way to exercise, anyway."

"How?"

"Let's just go buy a Nintendo Wii…"

_Author's Notes: Yes, well, happy new year. I certainly everyone had a lot of fun with their families and friends. I certainly did. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this story. Thanks for reading and review. _


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